I'm tired.

Earlier, I had a migraine. It's gone down to a (still painful) throbbing, after painkillers and a "omg I think I'm dying" 3 hour nap. I want to say everything is overwhelming, but really it isn't. I'm just bad about getting my act together. I've decided that part of my problem is waiting on other people to do things for me: well, no more. I'm taking my life into my own hands. As my good friend Cara once wrote (as her Facebook status) "[I am not] waiting for change... [I'm] making change happen!"

As my dedicated reader(s) know(s), I've finally decided to get my shit together and clean my room. I haven't moved forward on that since my last post, but it's a thought forever present and always at the front of my mind. My room WILL be clean before I leave for the summer. My soft deadline is May 13th, the hard deadline is June 4th. Why those dates? Well, they correspond to the day before two trips I'm taking this summer. More on that later, though.

I've made an appointment with Mental Health, at McGill, to see if this lack of sleep thing has anything to do with anxiety. The insomnia is getting pretty bad. I'm not sleeping through a full night at all anymore, unless I take some sort of sleep aide, which I don't want to take too often in order to not become addicted. I bought a journal in which to write my thoughts when I'm up, which seems to be helping. I think some pretty fucked up things when I don't sleep! So yeah, I made an appointment to talk to someone, maybe find the underlying problems causing my insomnia.

I've also made an appointment with H&R Block to get my taxes done. I'm tired of waiting after my dad to do them, I want my refund now, not in 8 months! I'm a little nervous, as it's the first time I do it by myself. I just feel as if I don't have enough papers? I don't know. What I do know is that this will cost me about $30, which isn't too bad.

The last thing I want to write about today is vegan brownies. I'm craving chocolate and I'm tired of my parents not buying cocoa so I'm going out and buying it myself. Then, tonight, I am going to make these vegan brownies, not only for me but also for my friend's boyfriend who is ill and I kinda promised I'd make goodies this week for both of them so I might as well do it. Why vegan, you ask? Well, you shouldn't ask. You should know: I'm lactose intolerant. I'm not a tofu fan, so I'm glad I found a tofu-free recipe. I wanted to make brownies from the dairy/egg free dessert book I bought a few months ago, but it seems to have disappeared... Seriously, I have no clue where it is. It was in the living room. Now, it isn't.

I really just wish this headache would go away... and that I slept for more than 3 hours at a time.

Cleaning my room, part three

I'm inspired. I've got my laptop in my room, blasting the new Barenaked Ladies album All In Good Time along with the rest of my mega awesome iTunes library. I've got the new Chris Moore book Bite Me on my bed, in case cleaning gets too unbearable. I've got a bottle of water at my side and the determination to finish my long dresser.

Want to know what I've found so far? Notes from the summer class I took in 2008, the USB key I used in CEGEP (graduated in 2007), a chemistry textbook (the last time I took chemistry was 2005), some sheet music from my high school band (played sax!), directions to a new store, it just opened (in 2004), two pattern packages for sexy dresses, scrabooking crap, half a dozen books and CDs that belong to my ex friend's ex boyfriend. And I haven't even looks IN my drawers yet to see what kind of clothing I've got in there. My prediction: bras in like 4 different sizes that don't even come close to fitting me anymore.

Most of what I just mentioned is completely useless to me right now, except maybe the pattern packages. They're for "plus" sizes, so I must have already been fat when I bought them. As you can tell from these pictures, the dresses are super cute. I just need to commandeer a sewing machine and, perhaps, some time and I can maybe make a dress or two this summer...

Maybe not this summer, actually. Two summer classes and a trip... I'll be pretty busy. Better than being bored all summer, I guess. It's not like I can get a job, as a university student with a job waiting in September, no one is going to hire me for 45 days during the summer. 45 days where I'd be unavailable on Sundays and weekday afternoons from 1-4pm. Nope, not getting a job. Not happening!

On another note, I also found 3 pairs of sunglasses. Couple that with the two pairs I just bought and the four pairs I keep in my basket in the washroom and, well, I've got a lot of sunglasses. They're my main summer accessory! I can't wear red sunglasses with a pink shirt, I can't wear pink sunglasses with an aqua shirt, I can't wear my big green sunglasses other than on St-Patrick's Day and wearing the same black sunglasses get boring. Here's where I need your help, dear faithful reader(s) (I'm still not sure I actually have more than, like, 4 "faithful readers lol): How should I store all these sunglasses? They don't have cases, so telling me "in their case" is not a valid suggestion. My current thoughts are either in individual ziploc bags in a small drawer in my dresser (provided I can clear a small drawer) or in a basket on my dresser. I'm not liking the basket idea too much, because I'll lose space and they'll get all dusty and eww.

So, leave a comment and let me know your opinion. Oh and let me know if you want the scrapbooking crap :P

Cleaning my room, part two

For Pete's sake, how the HELL did I let my room get to this state? This is terrible! If I were underage, I'm sure my mother would have been reported to Youth Protection, although my room's messiness is no where near her fault. You may have dust bunnies, but I have dust godzillas (did I already make that joke? No matter, still true). Last time, I attacked my night table, which was an incredibly cathartic experience. I relived some high school moments when looking at photos of my then best friend (who is currently not even in my wide circle of casual acquaintances). I was able to part with old love notes from three different ex-boyfriends. I found a bunch of expired painkillers (you'd think I had a problem!) and parted with $100+ of useless old face creams. AND I cleaned off about 3 feet of dust (okay, I'm exaggerating, but it was still a lot).

Today, I started on my long dresser (I have two, a long and a short one). Guess what? MORE CRAP! I haven't finished it yet (took a break to transfer coins from my Carnival Cruise cocktail glass to my actual piggy bank), but I've already got half a bag of garbage and half of bag of clothing to donate to charity. I've also found more jewelry than I know what to do with. Not good jewelry, not gold I can send in to those TV commercials to get instant cash, noooo... crappy jewelry that I've accumulated over the years. Jewelry that I'm not sure why (or when) I bought and that may or may not be tarnished beyond recognition. Jeebus, when did I have all this money to spend on garbage?

I wish it was the kind of garbage that people would pay for on Ebay or something... But this is just crap and it would probably cost more to ship than someone would be willing to pay for it. So, I throw it out. Or give it to charity. Or offer it to my friends...

I hate cleaning, but it needs to be done. I'm going to Italy for 5 weeks or so this summer and my mom will most likely throw everything out (and she would be full within her right to do so) while I'm gone if I don't clean up.

How to look good, always.

Obviously, I'm not perfect. Let's not get into every reason (we don't have forever, here), we'll just address my physical downfalls.

1. I'm fat. I'm not big boned, I'm not "kinda chubby," I'm fat.
2. I have weird skin: it's oily but flaky and very uneven in skin tone.
3. My hair is blah. It's not straight, it's not curly, it's way too thick for my own good.

Well, those are the cons. There are more, Lord knows there are more, but that's besides the point. Thing is, when I take my time and pay attention to what I'm doing, I can look damn good. Wanna know how? It's not that big of a secret. It boils down to one thing: confidence. Let's address each fault in turn.

1. So what if I'm fat? That DOES NOT mean I can't look sexy. I just need to dress for my body type and not simply choose clothing because it's "my style" or "in fashion at the moment." If that were the case, I'd be wearing leggings as pants (a. they are not pants and b. I sooo don't have the ass doe that). I credit my friend Jody for this next little tidbit: TRY EVERYTHING ON!!! Even if you don't think it'll look good, even (or especially, I should say) if you don't like it on the hanger, even if you normally would never look twice at it. Once you've tried on your items, be critical and don't take it personally if it doesn't look right. That just means you'll spend your money elsewhere. Bring a friend you trust to help you decide if it looks good or not: you might think something suits/doesn't suit you because it's what you always/never wear. Don't let the past dictate your fashion future. Here, I'm not saying you have to abandon your personal style! If you want to be goth/punk/preppy/whorish, go for it, but you still need to dress for your body. If, after trying everything on and not finding anything you like, don't get depressed. You need to search to find something nice. If you still want to spend money, go shoe or purse shopping :).

2. My skin. Ugh. I don't understand why it's so weird! Am I dehydrated? I don't think so, I drink a lot of water. Yet, it's flaky under and between my eyebrows and on my chin. Yet my cheeks, nose and forehead are oily. I've spent $1000+ on creams, lotions, cleansing milks and toners: nothing works. What can I do? Work with my best attributes. Firstly, I try not to use too much concealer and foundation, not because I don't need it but because it tends to emphasize the flaking. I make sure to moisturize well and just put on a touch of pressed powder. Then I decide what feature am I working with to make me pretty. For me, it's usually my eyelashes or my lips (or sometimes both). I've invested in two kinds of mascara, one of everyday use and for "in your face" lashes that I reserve for a night out. And that's it. Sometimes I add eyeliner, usually with my night out mascara. For my lips, I have a wide variety of glosses and lipsticks to fit my mood, style and event I'm attending.

3. My hair. It doesn't curl. It isn't straight. It's super thick. So instead of fighting my hair, I've decided to go with it. I dry it in sections (unless I'm going for a bride of Frankenstein type hairdo). After, I can choose to straighten it or leave it as is, it depends on my time and what I'm doing.

Point of the story: I dress to make ME look awesome, not to find some standard ideal of beauty. And how do I do that? By being confident. Sure, I don't always feel awesome everyday, but on the days I do, I make sure I look it. If you want to look awesome, follow my simple fashion advice. Be confident. The rest will follow.

Need... sleep...

1. Happy St-Patrick's day. I had this beautiful green shirt, but a couple months ago I got an oil stain on it. I gave it to my mom because she said she'd fix it. I asked her about it last weekend: she managed to lose it in her room, which is spotless and not cluttered and I have no idea how that happened.

2. It's 5:21am. I've been up since about 3:15am. And that's just when I decided to check the time! I was up way before that. Let's see, I went to bed at 11pm and I think I must have gotten maybe... 2 hours sleep? Maybe less. Oh boy, will today be ever so much fun (heavy sarcasm). For further reference, I should turn off my laptop at least one hour before bed; not play on my nintendo DS for 20mins in bed and not eat pizza sans lactaid right before going to sleep. And I should just take a freaken sleeping pill. But I took one yesterday, and I don't want to become dependent. The last thing I need is to rely on drugs to sleep. I'm trying to avoid the whole "take a pill once a day for the rest of your life" route.

I thought I'd take this bout of insomnia as a chance to be productive. I went into the living room, got my laptop, brought it back to my room, went back in the living room, got my external hard drive, went back to my room, went back into the living room, got my bottle of water, filled it in the kitchen and then went back to my room again (all under the cover of darkness and trying not to make noise for fear of waking my parents, one who is not feeling well and the other who went to bed well past 1am). Right, so after all that going from my room to the living room and back, I figured I'd work on this ugly LES due tomorrow. For those not in the field of education, an LES is a "Learning and Evaluation Situation." Basically, it's a GIANT lesson where you map out all the steps you need to teach in order for your students to be able to successfully complete a final project. For example, in a math class, the final project is: build a pool. Students will need to know how to how big to dig the hole, how to calculate the cost from the price of materials and labour, how to calculate volume, etc.

It's pretty simple for subjects in the faculty of science (at least I think so, since there are so many more clear steps in any given project). I'm teaching ESL, so it's like I have to build all these hypothetical lesson plans assuming either my students will be incredibly dumb or the school will have the most incredible funding. My group and I chose to go with the latter. Our LES is completely unrealistic and we will never be able to use it in public schools in Quebec, but whatever, it's easier this way. In our hypothetical high school, not only will students be already fluent in English (which is SO not the case, even for advanced high school students, who I taught in September during my field experience) but the school will also have a state of the art computer room that is accessible whenever we need it. It will also have at least 15 camcorders to lend out (oh man, I wish this place was real).

It's not that I think what i'm learning in school is useless (although I kinda do), it's that I find we are given all these hypothetical situations and we have to know the perfect answer... but the perfect (in class) answer is hardly ever the one used in real life due to practicality or initial reactions or mostly the unpredictability of everything. When you learn to be an accountant, for example, you have your formulas to complete your calculations. Your number never bully each other, never join gangs at the age of 10, you never catch your number smoking pot on school grounds, you never get sexually harassed by them... You just deal with your numbers and your dumb clients.

Give me a teaching situation and I will give you the best possible solution. I know all the right things to say and the right ways to act. Do you think that makes me feel ready for real life? Hells no. And that terrifies me.

Well, let me at least pretend to be productive this morning...