Rocky Horror Picture Show: recast

I've put A LOT of thought into this post.

As most of you know, I recently attended a Rocky Horror Picture Show performance for the first time. It was mind blowing and hilarious. "The Voice" made some of the funniest comments... including (when Frank Furter is dead in the pool) "Look! It's Steve Jobs! I guess that's what happens when you bob for apples..." Okay, you might think it's too soon, but I nearly pissed myself laughing.

So here's the deal: all this Halloween and RHPS talk made me think to a rumor I heard a in 2008 about a remake. MTV was planning its release around Halloween 2009, but I guess that never worked out. There was talk (mostly unfounded, I think) of it starring Zac Effron. That, in my opinion, is just plain wrong.

I bet I've got you all thinking about who would be the perfect actor to star in a RHPS remake... and that's what's been stuck in my head too! Let me tell you, this was tough. For some characters, I had maybe half a dozen possible choices. For others, there was only one clear image in my mind. I should also point out that imagining the new possible actors in the original costumes help sway my decision. And picturing certain actors as Dr Frank Furter was surprisingly *hot*.

So here's my dream cast:

Brad (Asshole) Majors: The original Brad was played by Barry Bostwick. He's your typical all American type, who ends up being a little slutty. Bostwick had a clean-cut look about him which worked nicely, as Asshole Majors was a little bit of a helpless geek. Who could do this character justice? Matt Damon? Neil Patrick Harris? All valid choices. All under consideration. All not quite right, in my opinion... So who is? None other than Justin Timberlake. Just look at him! The little nerd already has the glasses! Can you picture him in tighty-whities for most of the film? Or in the corset/heels/fishnets towards the end? Timberlake has made quite a name for himself as an actor in recent years, appearing in films like The Social Network, Bad Teacher and, most recently In Time (which looks really good, by the way). His many appearances on Saturday Night Live have shown the world that he can be funny. And a major plus is that he can sing.

Janet (Slut) Weiss: Dammit, Janet! Susan Sarandon portrayed this innocent, repressed good girl... that is, until she portrayed the sexy, sex obsessed naughty girl. The female half of the "poor, innocent, easily corruptible" couple, Weiss recognizes the benefits of a little sexual experimentation before marriage. I want the new actress to be more than just sexy. She needs to have talent, both in acting and singing (as this is a musical after all). Again, a lot of names went through my mind: Claire Danes, Kiera Knightly, Kirsten Dunst... but I settled on Zooey Deschanel. She can sing, she can act, she's adorable and sexy all at the same time. 

Dr Frank-N-Furter: Possibly Tim Cury's most recognizable role, Frank is just a sweet transvestite, a mad scientist who preaches the delights of carnal pleasure. He also is the one to sing my life motto... Don't dream it. Be it. It's a great way to lead life. So who, in my hours of imagining actors in lingerie, would be the perfect, modern Transexual Transylvanian? Many, MANY men crossed my mind. Let me list a few: Hugh Jackman, Paul Rudd, Nathan Fillion, Tom Hanks, James Franco, Ben Affleck, David Boreanaz... All these gentlemen would look EXCEPTIONAL in a black bustier and matching panties. Let's all take a moment to think about it. Still thinking. Still thinking. Now, wipe the drool off your face! Yeah, so I'm picking this one for pure pleasure and "yum" factor. Mr David Duchovny, why won't you love me? Well, I love you. And I'd *love* you as that hot-dog, Frank Furter.

Rocky Horror: Rocky is Frank's hot creation, his sex toy, someone he created just for the pleasure of it. Peter Hinwood's replacement has to be a knock out, a perfect 10. It may not be a big speaking part, but I think it takes a lot of talent to grunt efficiently! Ryan Reynolds may not just be a pretty face, but in my ideal RHPS remake, he would be. And he would look so damn good in gold short-shorts. Once again, lets all picture it. *drool*

Riff Raff: Honestly, no moral earthling can play this role as well as Richard O'Brien. What's he up to now, you may be wondering? Well, he's the voice of the dad on Disney's Phineas and Ferb. How cool is that? Anyway, back to the character. Riff Raff was a creepy, quiet alien who only showed his true colours at the end. I think this character might have given me the most trouble. There was only one name for a long time, but it wasn't the right one. Seth Rogen. I know, I know, not the perfect Riff Raff. I'm not arguing with you! And then, as I was looking over my list of possible Brads, I fell upon the perfect guy. Now he's usually the comedic lead, known for his timing and delivery, but I think Jason Segel could pull off a quiet, creepy, freakishly tall supporting role.

Magenta: As Riff Raff's alien sister, Patricia Quinn as Magenta (and the famous RHPS lips) put on her French maid's outfit and wowed us all with a sexual, seductive, accented voice and a penchant for letting her brother make out with her. There were two names that were strong front runners here. Both are incredibly talented, both are incredibly sexy, both would look fantastic in both a French maid's outfit and a silver space suit. In the end, I went with Sara Ramirez with Mila Kunis as the understudy. 

Columbia: The groupie, lover of Eddie, Frank and Magenta (or maybe that was just a fooling around thing?), Columbia is full of energy and comedic genius. In my eyes, only Emma Caulfield can fill this role. Have you seen the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? In it, she sings a song (with Xander (Brendon Nicholas)) and I think that's the energy needed for Columbia. Plus, Emma would look really good in rainbow shorts and a gold sequin tailcoat.

Eddie: Ahh, Meatloaf. It's what's for dinner! This ex-delivery boy, who lent half his brain to Rocky Horror, makes one hell of an entrance on a motorcycle. James Martsers would make a great Eddie. Even though it's only a tiny, one song role, he would bring a certain rock'n'roll/badassness to the part. And let's be honest, who wouldn't mind eating him (if you know what I mean)?

Dr Scott: Cue the toilet paper! Dr Scott, a rival scientist, is Eddie's uncle. he comes to the castle looking for answers concerning Eddie's disappearance. He's also the professor who introduces Brad and Janet to one another. I would need a distinguished and well versed actor for this role: one who isn't afraid of singing and is capable of doing so in an accent. Though he's stuck in a wheelchair for most of the film, he does show off his fishnet clad gams at the end. Who's gams would I like to see instead? Patrick Stewart's, I think. Did I mention that picturing these new actors in the RHPS costume was my favourite part of trying to find the perfect player for each part of the process?

The Criminologist: The expert who retells Brad and Janet's story with helpful visual aids and dictionary definitions. He's a minor character, but he plays an integral role in the film. William Shatner would bring authority and a little mockery tot he role.

Well, that's my ideal cast. Let me know, in the comments, if you agree or disagree.