MY AWESOME ESSAY TOPIC WAS ACCEPTED!!!!! WOOO!!!!! I'm so excited, because I know that now, I can write and awesome essay. The thing is, I'm insecure and I would LOVE some feedback (obviously, not on the whole thing, but on parts like the intro and conclusion).
So here's my intro:
Science fiction films often try to convey either a vision of the future or a “what if” idea in the present. Both 2001: A Space Odyssey and Close Encounters of the Third Kind, directed by Stanley Kubrick and Steven Spielberg respectively, try to transmit a powerful message through their stunning cinematography, direction, writing and soundtrack. As each film progresses, the main protagonists seem to lose their ability to use tools. In Kubrick’s film, the characters in space must relearn to use basic tools: using the toilet, for example. Dave must also regain control over HAL, a tool used to assure the mission’s success. Roy, the protagonist of Spielberg’s film, on the other hand, loses his language and communication tools: his ability to express and explain his thoughts and feelings. Both characters, however, are rewarded in the end. Dave learns the secret of life from the monolith and becomes the Star Child, an evolved being independent from machinery. Roy is chosen to be an explorer and ambassador of sorts and is welcomed into a society that uses basic sound as a form of communication. Both these characters were chosen by an alien society to reach the next step in human evolution which seems to be a throwback to the first stages of the human race: using fewer, simpler tools.
What do you think? Is my thesis clear? Is the wording clear? Any feedback would be fantastic and, possibly, rewarded :P
I haven't written an essay in thirty years. It does seem that you have a level of detail in your intro that might be better in the main body. Could you reposition everything from "Both characters" through "as a form of communication?"
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean and, to be honest, I thought the same when I wrote it. I do need some of that, though, in order to support my thesis and present my arguments. I'll take a look at rewording it.
ReplyDeleteThanks!